Am I Beautiful?

How many of us feel beautiful? Do we feel comfortable in our own skin? Do we like ourselves the way we actually are? Do we love our messy hair, skinny body, our chubby cheeks, our dark complexion or do we just start questioning the real us by looking at others? 

Every child before going to school is comfortable about themselves. They do not feel like comparing themselves with any other person but, as soon as their schooling starts they start feeling inferior. Why is it? What might be the reason? The thing is the cute friend in his/her class gets more attention from the teacher. The teacher gives more priority to a child because according to the teacher he/ she is more cute. Seeing this the child starts to think that he/she is not attractive. This is the first step to inferiority complex.

After that, the class gets divided in friend circles. Mostly the one who is given more attention and care by the teacher has higher level of confidence which attracts other fellow students towards them. Everyone in the class wants to be their friend which generates superiority complex in them. They start to feel that they are superior than every other children in the classroom. Now, they start becoming selective about their friends and only prefer those in their group who according to them are pretty. The ones included are "lucky" and the ones left out are considered "ugly".

The "lucky" ones always try to harass the "ugly" ones which ultimately destroys their self confidence. This process continues and when they reach 'teenage', even worse happens. There is a trend everywhere in the class about crush and couples. Everyone has crush over the "lucky" ones but "ugly" ones are again left out. This makes the "ugly" ones question their worth and think 'Am I beautiful?' In this way, their self confidence gets crushed since an early age which makes them spend their whole life in self doubt.

Hope and suicide

What makes a human keep going, moving forward? What inspires a human to deal with all the negative and focus on positive? What makes a human to wish for living one more day? The answer is hope for the better days.

I was lying on the bed. It was already 10 in the morning. I could clearly hear the vehicles on the road, pigeons making sound, people gossiping but nothing made me feel like waking up. I could see the ceiling of my room and the hanging mosquito net. I was talking to myself, "There are two ways of getting over this problem right now; one: hang yourself from the ceiling like the mosquito net, next: get lost in your own world of imagination." In both ways I could escape the present and feel nothing. I just imagined myself hanging on the ceiling. "Would I hang keeping my eyes open or closed", I thought to myself.

But hanging myself was just not a good idea. It would end everything forever and I didn't want it to end this way. I wanted to die being inspiration to thousands. I wanted to narrate the story of my struggle to the world. So, I decided to chose the second option. Thank God I had imagination and hope for better future which inspired me every minute to live. Suicide is never an ultimate option.

Memories

The tear drops were falling on her cell phone screen as if it were the big drops of the rain which could drown the road of Baudha. Yes, it was not less than the rain drops, whoever could read her eyes in that moment could easily be drowned in her emotional pain. Her heart was heavy. She was sad, so was the sky which was crying along with her to give company in her pain.

She wiped her tears from the cheeks and from the cellphone screen. She untangled her earphone and tried to escape the reality by enjoying the deep music. Her playlist was full of sad songs which made her dwell even more in the past. It was the time when she was 5 years old, she was a happy kid back then. She wasn't excellent in her studies like her brother but she was a average kid. One day, her father was trying to teach her to solve some maths problem. Her mind was not sharp and faster enough to grasp the concept of math so easily. So, even after the contineous efforts of her father she couldn't solve it. Her father became so furious that he took the pencil from her hand and hit hard on her thighs. The pencil broke into two pieces and she cried in pain.

The rememberance of the hurtful memory in which she missed her fathers love and caring nature made her more upset. She started thinking, "Do I have any good, happy memories with my parents ?" She constantly tried to revisualize her past memories but she could hardly find any good memory. Again, a bad memory strated playing in front of her eyes. She was just 13 years back then when a teacher tried to molest her. Her parents along with few relatives saw it and created a scene. She excepted some love, care from her parents. She excepted a hug but instead she was accused of getting herself involved in it. Her child psychology was badly affected. This made her emotionally weak. She again got upset thinking she has no good memories with her parents. She never got emotional support whenever she was in the extreme need. She just closed her eyes which were full of tears and tried to fall asleep.

Mindset

"Bhaiya! How much does the banana cost?", a women asked to a vendor. "It's 60 rs per dozen, didi!", replied the young vendor. After buying the bananas she went to the next vendor and asked, "Dai! How much does the apple cost?". "It's 100 rs per kg, didi!", replied the old vendor. The women was talking to those two vendors in totally opposite manner. One was referred as 'dai' while next was referred as 'bhaiya' but the language she used to communicate with both of them was same "Nepali". The one referred as "bhaiya" was way too smaller than the women. So, what was it that caused her to refer the young boy around her son's age as "bhaiya"?

Since I was born in kathmandu, I have spent 20 years of my life here seeing, observing and hearing the people of my surrounding calling every other guy from either 'Madesh' or 'India' as "Bhaiya". I was unaware  that I had also developed the same habit until one of my friend from Madesh made me realize this. After my realization, I tried to analyze my relatives, friends and their attitude towards the word "bhaiya". In Madesh as well as in "India" the term "bhaiya" refers to as "brother" but her in Kathmandu the word "bhaiya" is used as a tagline for every guy who belong to Madesh and India. Without even realizing whether the person is a small kid or an old man, people use the term "bhaiya" to call them.

Sometimes I even wonder whether people are aware that Madesh is a part of Nepal. Most of the people here think people of Madesh are people of India. Madhesh has been fighting since long for its identity and still people have such confusion. I really wish that the gap between madheshi and other people living in other region of Nepal gets reduced. The upcoming generation may realize and understand the proper use of term "bhaiya" and stop using it as a tagname. And also may all people have respect for each others identity, culture, language and hope the fragmantation disappears...

Now or never

Inspiration.. Motivation.. How important are these words in a human's life? It gives you the strength to see dreams, follow them and eventually  live them.

When I was in class 6, I had my first ever crush on a guy. Like, some of the perks of early teens, I even purposed him and got rejected. I was just a kid back then and had some difficulties coping up with the rejection. That was when my life had a major turning point. It was the time of World Cup 2010. Every other guy in my town  was excited about it. I had no interest in soccer nor in World cup events but until when could I save myself from it. Eventually, like my every other cousin I also choosed a team to support.

In those days, a name "Messi" was quite famous. I remember my brother talking about him to me and showing me his picture twice; once in a group picture with Barcelona team and the next a single pic in the world cup time schedule. Without any clue I had chosen Germany as my team for the World cup and it was that match in the quater finals with Argentina that gave me a life long inspiration. The match ended up in 4-0 with the victory of Germany but I was so impressed and attracted to Messi that I eventually became a football fan.

Since then I started following Football Club Barcelona watching each and every matches. I got so highly inspired that I forgot all about the crush and rejection thing. I started performing well in my academics and turned out to be a bright student. "Messi" became my rolemodel and the thought of seeing and meeting him inspired me to work hard everyday.

The World cup is passing one by one and the one that I am looking forward to is "World cup 2022". I have seen Messi playing all these years in Television and Youtube but I think this is my last chance to see him play for Argentina in front of my eyes. Messi has always inspired me to achieve my dreams and now I have a dream to see my inspiration play in front of my eyes. If I miss it, there won't be a second chance.

Smile!

"Life is not always a bed of roses". An old proverb which I had heard plenty of times during my school days. Maybe my every new English teacher interpreted it according to their own life experiences and now if I become a teacher I will intreprete it to my students as per my experience.

They say life is unfair and I too believed in it until today when my head was about to brust from pain and I had almost given up, I remembered my dearest friend. I had been observing him since last 3 years and today I  realize he is one of the most influential person in my life. Whenever I was in any bad situation I couldn't think of anything. I would rather cry or show anger to someone but he is so different. No matter how angry or sad he might be feeling from inside, he always has that smile in his face. That beautiful thing of him simply makes him the winner.

Our real exam is our life. No matter how many gold medals keep on hanging in our showcase, until and unless it can't help us deal with our real life problems, it's valueless. The education we receive must be useful while facing the real world. The years of education which has been invested on us must bring some real outcome. It took me 17 years to realize that all of my years of education has been a total waste. All these years I had been running after good grades while I was unknown about the real exam. Today remembering my dearest friend has helped me to put a step forward in trying to face every scenerio that life throws in my way with a beautiful and killer smile. Keep smiling !!

Fault

What is my fault? If I am not like the way you expect me to be. What is my fault? If I am different then other daughters of this society. What is my fault? If I am unique. What is my fault? If I am me.

I don't know how you actually felt when you held me in your arms for the first time. I can only guess that you must have felt happy but not happier. I know you have done a lot for your two children but your daughter has always felt that something could have been more better. I don't want to compare your love towards your two children but I have always missed your brightest smile when I have excelled in my studies. You have never boasted about your daughter's intelligence with the relatives. And that hurts.

As far as I have understood you, you have always wanted your daughter to be better in the household activities. Maybe you want to boast about your daughter cooking a wonderful meal to the realtives. Maybe you want me to be best in managing the household affairs. But have you tried thinking what you daughter's real passion is? What is her real talent? It makes me sad that every outsider appreciates my effort, hardworking nature but for you I am only a lazy girl who tries to run away from the works. It is sad and fustrating to me that you don't understand what your own part (daughter) is capable of.